Now its time for life...

Family. Kids. Life. Work. Grad school. Repeat. But alas, wha? No more grad school? Now what? Can it be time to live life? Time, um... what's that?!?

Monday, June 19, 2006

No more for now

this is my last post for now. i am working hard to maintain a nice clean household, and keep busy with thing outside of the house once the kids are off to bed. They seem to be doing much better aside of the super tired silliness that occurs. thank you to anyone who read and gave me advice. cheers...(i will continue to read other blogs b/c they are fun to read, and they also make me feel like I am not alone in this parenting world.)

Monday, June 12, 2006

its been awhile

well i'm back after a short hiatus. Things are definitely in transition here in my household. I started working four evenings week and my kids are very effected by it. They love me putting them to bed. They love their daddy, but its just different.

T-man is working really hard on "Turn off the silly" is what we are now saying. It seems to work. We try to tell him to visualize it like a light switch, and turn it off. that worked this morning. I think in all honesty, he is just a kid and he loves to test limits, but as long as we remind him and help him, I think he'll be okay.

Chick-E is a whole other ball game. She woke up when I got home from work last night (at 1:50 am) and said "Mama! I miss you so so much! Please can I sleep with you?" I rocked her for alittle bi and hugged her. then I told her to wait for me in her bed (hoping she'd fall back to sleep there - for her sake and mine) and come when I am into my PJ's. As I was peeing, she came into our room, and I told her get into my bed and I'll be right there. She doesn't really want to cuddle, but she just wants to lay there next to me. I feel so sad, b/c she is so sad. I told her I missed her too. I hope she can adjust. The really sucky thing is that next week she goes to a new school. Her current situation is not condusive to learning, and its become detriemntal to her brain. So many changes all at once. bad move on my part. but when you have to, what do you do?

Finally, R has done what I have been begging him to do for the past three weeks. I feel disconnected now that I am gone in the evenings. He worte me a nice email about what they did and how they were. It was better for me personally. Now I just have to work on it being better for them too. Many of the co-workers have young kids to and they say they'll adjust. It just takes time. I hope so.

life seems like its going by so fast. how do you keep up and not miss it? before you know it...

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Is it me?

This morning we had parent-teacher conference with T-Man's teacher. She has informed us that he is really testing his boundaries with her, and with all the other teachers there. She has also stated that he only focuses on what he chooses, and will only do assigned tasks when asked or hand-fed the directions. So we are working on a behavior mod chart for him, soon. Hummmm? What would my mother say? "See I told you, there is something wrong with him." Or this one,"See? I told you. He is lost. He needs Jesus." AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So i find seeing her in a little bit of myself, (not the Jesus part) but rather the "What's wrong with him" mode, and R has shut me down. He is right to do so. I am actin glike my mother and I hated her for treating me like that. And here I am. Damnit! I realize how much I am acting like my mother. And then I am thinking, "Is it me?" Of course its me! Im the one who is neurotic. Kids are not born neurotic. We make them that way. Question is, can you undo what has already been done? And what is it we are trying to undo? I feel like I am not a very good mama. I constantly need to remind myself that they are just kids, and they need to be taught and learn and grow. I constantly need to remind myself that despite my tiredness, that I need to maintain patience and not totally lose it with their behaviors (like selectively listening when he feel like it).

My mother's voice looms in my head, and it drives me insane (or at least it makes me feel that way sometimes.) I need to get her out and get a new way of thought in. How? Becoming brainwashed by someone else? AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I am unsure.

I gotta go to work now, but more later.

more kids?

ever wonder what would happen fi you added another kid to the mix? R says if it is in the cards for us to add a third, that could the baby be at least born under a different sign? He isn't sure he can take another sensitive, dramatic, stubborn, outgoing, super silly kid with selective listening. Now we realize that every baby is different, but I have two aquarians who fit their sign to a 'T,' and he is fearful that the third would be the same too. I am unsure.

Some days my kids are wonderful. They listen and behave within normal limits of kids their age. What is most frustrating is when you ask them to do something and they do not respond, or they deliberately disobey you, i.e. please stop jumping on the bed... and my son looks at me smiles and keeps right on jumping. Why do they do that? He knows full on well that hs is going to get into trouble. I have evern directly asked him, do you like getting in trouble? He says no. So I ask him why he thinks he does that, and he just says, I dont know.

I understand the whole testing the limit thing, but he knows his limits. Ya know, when I was a little kid, I was always worried about getting in trouble. My kids act like they do not care about getting in trouble. I dont know what to say. I guess I'm done. I need to sleep.

kisses to you all...

cherrios =o)

Monday, May 22, 2006

Happy Graduation Day to me!

In honor of this day, I started this blog. Tonight I graduated from my Master's program. Now, you would think this would be a momentous occasion, being that my mother has been riding me since birth to get a Master's degree.

Well, now. Um let's see. My Mother and Father acted like going to the ceremony was a burden. R, well he had work problems and his boss wouldn't let come. He and the kids almost missed everything. I think practically everyone received flowers, or some other loving token of proundness from their family members. What did I get? A little hug and a comment "Oh yeah, A. Good job." WOW the abundance of proud words just flow, don't they? Whatever! I give up. I am sick and tired of working my ass off for a little f-ing approval from that biatch. They (as in mother and father both) refused to to pay for graduation pics for me. Said that $14.99 per pose was just too much money. So I went ahead and paid for it myself. WTF! Well if no one in my family can be proud of me, then I guess its up to me then, right? Actually T-Man said he was proud, but Chicke-E was no clue why we were all dressed up in costumes. T-man said "Mama, I really like your costume!" R was pissy with me up until the last minute, too. The whole damn night kinda sucked. IS THERE EVER ANY TIME EVER WHEN I FEEL LIKE I CAN DO SOMETHING RIGHT!?!?!


okay not that that is out of my system, I would like to tahnk you for reading my rant. Actually something funny came out of tonight...Chick-E saw my feet, after I took off my once-in-a-lifetime high heel shoes. She looked amazed, and said "MAMA! Your feet are turning dark!" I replied with aw honey, these are called nylon stockings. She then feels my feet and legs in amazment. It was cute.

I'm done with school officially. Now its time for life...wahtever that is :o)

Saturday, May 20, 2006

The T-man Rollercoaster going up

I showed my 6 yr old T-man the McAds and he thought they were funny. Sadly we had McFood today and it was okay, but ya know that stuff can make you feel pretty crappy afterwards. Luckily the McJunkFood is something we use sparingly nowadays.

Here's an interesting thing. My previous posts have been about how my kids are the epitome of active and energetic. Funny thing is today they have been great. Rocky start (roller coaster going up...) in the morning partly to my crabby morning-ness, but after I snapped out of it, things went well. T-man has been pretty cooperative and respectful, after getting his morning "I hate you" 's and smacking around his sister out of his system. (roller coaster coming its fun time!)

Last night I was feeling kind of bad b/c I kept focusing on what I was doing to F him up. R told me to stop it and focus on helping him (T-man). We were told every kids has their issues, and he just has to work through the deliberate disobedience. Its just frustrating in the mean time. I really feel like those are the times when I have to act the most "grown up" because that is what I am supposed to be, right? I told myself in the shower of the health club this morning...

1) I will be patient.
2) I will speak to my kids lovingly (as opposed to freaking out).
3) I will teach my kids (rather than talk at them).
4) I will remain calm.

These things sound easy, but I am fighting everything I was ever around when I was growing up. My mother sis the exact opposite of all these things, and I have to almost overly try to overcome not to be like her, and try to be me. A (hopfully) better mama. (BTW, I, growing up refused to call my mother "mama" as she begged me to call her. It KILLS her that my kids are getting older and older and they still call me "mama." I just love it.)

T-man is awaiting a trip to the park, so I must close the entry.

patience, love, teach, calm, repeat.....
patience, love, teach, calm, repeat.....
patience, love, teach, calm, repeat.....

I can do it! (i hope...)


Thursday, May 18, 2006

Ever wonder??

No posting yesterday...oh well. Ya know, sometimes I am soooo tired I just can't keep my head up.

So here's the thing. I love my kids dearly. But do you ever wonder what it would be like to know exactly what is going on in their little heads? I was once told by my son's "principal" (really she is the executive director, but whatever) that no matter how we think we are coming across to our kids, that it is all a matter of perception. And it's not OUR perception. Its all theirs. So how is my 6-yr-old son perceiving me? Well I am not completely sure (of course) but I am thinking there are times when he really just does not understand why he is getting in trouble.

For instance... I was told today (by him) that he got in trouble and was not allowed to talk at all during lunch for something he did. (BTW, he has a kic-ass memory, but he can't seem to remember why he wasn't allowed to talk, but he can remember some miscellaneous toy from like 3 years ago, anyway...) So he tells me that he was sent out of class for a hour all during his lunch and S.Qu.I.R.T. (Silent, Quality, Independant, Reading, Time.) [um, basically rest with a book time.] And this alarms me alittle bit. That was a whole hour! So I ask him, "T-man, what did you do that got you sent out for a whole hour?!" He says (in a very rambling way), "well, mama, you see, I wasn't supposed to talk, but it was 12 o'clock, and I needed to tell K-kid that it was 12 o'clock, so I JUST GESTURED to him that it was 12 o'clock, and then he tattled on me and said that I talked and so then i got sent out. Really Mama, for real."
My jaw is half open and I ask him, "T-man, do you like getting in trouble?" "No." "Then why didn't you just sit there quietly and eat your food? that way you would not have gotten in trouble." T-man replies, "Well, but it was 12 o'clock!" Okay what in the hell is going on in this kids mind?!?!? I don't get it! I just sat there confused, then asked him why it was so important, and he said "I don't know." More confusion. Allrighty then.

On another tangent, I think now that I have more "free" time (hahahaha), that I might read that book "The Spirited Child". Maybe that will help? Has anyone read this book? Has it helped you with understanding your child? Is it worth the paperback price?

Work was tiring and busy, but I helped a very large but very cute baby enter the world sunny side up. I am so glad he was that way too, because if he had come out the correct way, I would have been delivering him, instead of the doctor. I am not ready for that. =o)

until later...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Virgin Blogger...

I realized that today is the first day of the rest of my life. Well, not really. But the funny thing is that I have been reading my dear friend's blog, away in another state, and I sit and think when would I ever have time to do that?!? And now here I am. Trying it out. Maybe its a good way to vent. Maybe its a good way for self-therapy. Or maybe its a good way to relate to people in similar situations. But I figure since I am finally done with school (after 5 freaking years and practially all of my kids lives!) that its time to give myself a hobby other than sewing. Because I realize, if I don't do something more, all I will do is raise kids, clean the house, do laundry, and work. Doesn't sound like much fun, does it? nope.

So about the kids...

I have two kids. My son is 6 (T-man), and my daughter is 3 (E-chickee). They are loving, happy, active, energetic, playful, silly kids. Did I say they are energetic? I have been informed by people that my children are "spirited." Spirited. okay yeah sure. So when they are loving and cute and sweet, its just wonderful!

My daughter walked into my room holding her baby doll and a bottle. She said "Mama?", Me: "yeah? what's up" She continues..."I'm feeding my baby." "oh really?" "yeah! There's coffee in her bottle." "Coffee??? What about milk? Wouldn't your baby like some milk?" She replies with "No. (matter of factly) Milk is not good for her. Coffee is good for her, MAMA!" and she leaves. I laugh to myself, and think, do I really drink that much coffee?

But then, this very evening she goes into the bathroom and takes off her pull up and puts it in the diaper pail. As she is setting it in, she yells, "MAMA!!!!!!! I"M PEEING!!!!!" I am running frantically down the hallway. And there she is standing in front of the white disper pail, half open with a HUGE puddle of pee under her, under the diaper pail and on the carpets, just 3 tiny steps from her potty chair. I just stand there stunned for a minute, then say, "E, why not use your potty when you have to pee?" She says "I dunno..."

Meanwhile, my "spirited" son has stripped naked and is jumping on my bed yelling "batman batman...blah blah blah" and laughs hysterically, after I call to him to get into the shower. I calmly say..."please get into the shower now, or you will lose your books." He continues to ignore me and jump. I am trying to remain calm. He continues, and I start to count. In my house, because of my son's selective hearing techniques, I count to "5" instead of "3". (When I was growing up it was 3.) He ignores me until I get to "4" and then finally comes to me. (And this was after he lost 2 out of his 3 books for not following directions, and him telling me he doesn't like me, and crossing his arms, and rolling his eyes.)

How do other mama's do this? Does anyone have "spirited" kids? When I discipline my kids, many times they laugh at me or smirk. I try to hide my frustration, and so many times I see my own mom in me, and I freak out. The last thing I want is for my kids to feel about me the way I feel about my own mother. HeatherJ has a good relationship with her parents. I think that is so wonderful. I am happy for her. I wish I had that. Without my husband, I would be all alone. (Family-wise, I mean.)

Anyway, enough is enough. My kids antics are often enough to send me spinning. Yesterday they were acting so crazy, I had had enough. I sent them to bed with a quick bath and bed without dinner. They understood why they were in their predicament, yet they were still crazy tonight.

After they went to bed last night, I cried about it. I felt like such a bad mama for A) not letting them eat and B) unable to control them, and C) feeling just like my own mother. I dont know. I hope tomorrow will be better.

I see babies come into the world everyday, and I remember back to when mine were that age. I often wonder how those babies I meet will be in 5 or 6 years.

I just have to keep trying.